I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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