Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I die, sorry about rent.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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