Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If that was your dad, he is hot
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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