Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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