The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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