i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
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I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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