There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
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He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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