This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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