If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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