you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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