do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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