I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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