I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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