Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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