We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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