Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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