Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
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Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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