Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
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I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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