This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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