im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
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Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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