meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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