i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
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I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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