My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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