So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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