Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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