Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
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Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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