The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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