"it" just moved
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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