mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
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Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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