What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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