and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
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Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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