Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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