Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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