Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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