i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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