I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The uberlube is also flammable
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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