Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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