Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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