DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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