To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
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the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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