my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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