I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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