Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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