someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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