I could make wine with my vomit
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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