There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
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Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
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So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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