Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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