Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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