When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
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We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
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He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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