Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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